I'll Say It! I LIKE THE WAY I LOOK!

I recently read the Samantha Brick story and felt the need to write an entry on it. If you haven’t seen the article, the summary of it is that she feels that she is an attractive woman and gets a lot of attention from men because of it (she goes on to list the types of attention she gets) and also goes on to say that because of her looks, she is on the receiving end of much hostility from other women. Many people are so angered by those statements to the point that she has become a celebrity overnight. Many comments on her article or articles about her criticize her views of herself and also go on to say that she isn’t very attractive, calling out each feature that isn’t up to par. In addition, these comments come from both men and women. 

While I think having grandiose views of oneself are unattractive, this woman really hasn’t gone that far. In addition, she is stating several points that she feels are valid. She even goes onto say that women cannot state that they are beautiful without being viewed very harshly, but men can do so. I happen to agree with that sentiment. Men and attractiveness seem to have less struggles overall (THAT DOES NOT MEAN NO STRUGGLES). What I mean by struggles is that women have sometimes conflicting views on attractiveness, and I’ve experienced them myself. On one hand, it’s nice to like yourself and how you look (regardless of what others think) and doing things like buying a nice dress and shoes and having your makeup done makes you feel good. On the other hand, that same level of confidence and attractiveness could be detrimental in places such as work where attractiveness and competence don’t always necessarily go hand in hand. Men don’t seem to have that particular struggle; looking good is looking good. 

In addition, hostility from other women can be for MANY reasons and men don’t have to deal with that quite as often (at least from what I’ve seen and experienced). Other women can hate you because you’re attractive, successful, intelligent, talented, etc. Anything that sets you apart from a group can be potentially viewed as some sort of threat. I’ve experienced hostility and horrible treatment for any number of reasons outside of my own demeanor. That isn’t to say that I’m innocent 100% of the time when being on the receiving end of bad feelings, but it does happen quite often, completely unprovoked. 

The last point I wanted to make is that people instead of mostly criticizing Samantha Brick’s views on herself and the hostility she received, they instead went STRAIGHT to criticizing her looks. It seemed as if every other comment was about how she was in fact, not attractive, her hair was wrong, her teeth were crooked, etc. I’ve noticed that quite often when being in any sort of conflict, that as a woman, people first criticize my looks even before they criticize my argument. This is especially true when dealing with people that don’t know me or don’t know me well. Normally, my comeback is, yep, I’m one UGLY woman, let’s get back to the point. That type of response normally takes the sting out of whatever they are saying and gets back on track.

While I don’t necessarily agree with the tone of her article, she does make a few very valid points and the responses from people do prove them. I think all women and men should feel that they are attractive and have the confidence to say it. In addition, not placing so much self-worth and identity in your feelings about the way you look can help. To me, I’m happy, I like the way I look and that is regardless of what my friends, boyfriends, strangers etc. have to say about it.

A Good Place

I have been off the radar for the past couple of weeks for a few reasons but am ready to get back on the horse of this awesome blog! I have made it a goal to travel outside of the United States at least once a year, so this year I went to Ireland and Scotland with a two of my very close friends. I definitely recommend going there, as there was more to do than I could have possibly ever imagined! I was thinking about how wonderful it was to have the opportunity to travel, how my work situation is working out and how nice the weather was yesterday on my drive home, and this next blog topic hit me. 

We often focus on what is going wrong in our lives, whether it is a job related thing, car trouble, relationship imperfections, etc. We do not often stop and just relish being in a good place in our lives; happy, content and blessed. I was thinking yesterday that it was just a really nice and good day. The weather was beautiful, I got to do cool things at work, I got to get nice new shoes and come home to a warm apartment with great company. I feel as if we work so hard to get to places like these, that we often let nice times like the one I had yesterday fall by the wayside. 

My parents often said that I had to work hard in school to get good grades and get a degree that would be not only interesting to me, but relevant in the grand scheme of things so that I could get a job that I liked, but also was needed and functional to someone else. I never really understood what I was working towards, just that I needed to do that in order to be a functioning member of society that can support myself and a family as an adult. While that is part of it, there is also the part that is hard to describe (but I’m going to try anyway). 

It isn’t so much that I have stopped working for the next step in life, because we never can be stagnant and be successful. It’s just that I have a lot more freedom to make many decisions about my path because of the work that I put in previous to now. Now that I have a good set of degrees, experience and job, I can make more strategic decisions to do things that I like AND that will be necessary for the future. And that those decisions don’t have to be made very quickly, because I’ve made it to a point of happiness as well as independence. There are certain goals that I have that the path to achieving them is rather ambiguous, but I can take my time and plan how I can get there, but still relish in the fact that I’ve made it to this point. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it does! 

The point of this entry is to say that yes you should work hard for the next steps in life, but also to live in the moment that you have created for yourself now. If that moment isn’t where you’d like to be, buckle down, do the work and get to that next great place. The past few years for me were not all roses and daisies, but I got the work done and am now in a good place. A good place to make the decisions to go where I’d like in the future. I challenge y’all to really think about where you are in life, enjoy where you are now, and make the decisions necessary to be even happier in the future.

When the World Comes Crashing Down

I haven’t had a moment like this in quite some time, but I was thinking about a friend of mine’s situation and how much I relate. A good friend of mine recently got a divorce and I was honestly shocked. She is a smart and balanced individual who did not enter the notion of marriage lightly. Her ex-husband seemed as if he was totally devoted and dedicated to their marriage and they both seemed very happy. They had a beautiful wedding with no red flags that I could see (and I’m pretty good at seeing those types of things). So when I found out that they had not been able to work it out, I was and am still shell shocked. 

I’ve been in a similar-ish situation myself. Thought I haven’t been married (thank the Lord), I was engaged for a year-ish my senior year of undergrad through my first year of graduate school and thought that I was happy. I had my bachelors, I was working on my masters (after applying with some pushing from my professor) and I thought that my life was right on track. Then one day, while I was working at my first internship of graduate school, it hit me like lightning. I shouldn’t be getting married. My ex-fiancé and I talked about marriage very little, if at all. I had no idea how we were going to be a functioning couple and family. I didn’t know how he wanted to raise children or manage finances. I didn’t know if he wanted me to stay home or have a job or even what I wanted in a life and family. And then I was sad, angry and guilty that I had placed myself and my ex into this situation. I didn’t know it was bad until I knew it wasn’t right and we ended it. I can genuinely say that I am glad that we both did not go through with it. From what I know, he has been much happier, as have I.

How do you deal with a situation like that? Even if there was not defining event, as there was not for me, everything that your life once was just is not how your life will be after such a large decision. Nothing can prepare you for that. You could go into a situation with the best of intentions and it just doesn’t work out. I can offer what I did and what I see my friend doing to get over these types of situations.

 I threw myself into school and work. I was left with a lot of financial difficulty following that relationship ending. I would not let it keep me from school, so I worked several jobs to support myself and pay the debts that I incurred. My friend is now furthering her education by going to law school, which she always wanted to do. My advice is to keep pushing for things that you want and things that you thought you could not accomplish before that event. 

While both of my examples are relationship based, I would say that this could apply to other events that impact your life so completely. Things like relocation, losing a job, losing a loved one, etc. It may seems like your entire world and life as you knew it has come crashing down around you, but doing nothing will ensure that it stays in shambles. I can honestly say that if I would not have pushed through it, I would not be in such a great place now! I also would have never had the opportunity to do the cool things I’m doing or meet all kinds of cool people. My world came crashing down for a reason, and even though I didn’t like it at the time, I am thankful to have learned from it.

Party of 1

If you know me, you know I’m a pretty social individual (and that may be the understatement of the century). I like to be around people and do things in groups. I also will talk your ear off.  I’ve gone somewhere I didn’t want to go just to hang out with a group of friends and not gone somewhere I really wanted to because no one could go with me. I’ve recently reconsidered this as I feel like I’m missing out on my own fun. 

I was actually forced to reconsider this when a long-term relationship of mine ended. I don’t know about everyone, but for me going from hanging out with a specific person every day to not doing that is a huge change for me. Plus, your “go-to” person has switched over the period of a long term relationship. While I have the best BFF EVER, I have to coordinate much more to be able to hang out with her than my significant other. You just fall into a routine. 

Anyway, after that I had many evenings spend alone. Not to wallow (because I don’t do that) but just because my friends had their own routines and things to do that I was not a part of. I was actually surprised that I LIKED that time. I would make dinner, go shopping or go to dance class. I would go out to eat by myself or sit and read in a coffee shop. I was then able to always do what I want, when I wanted to without having to rely on other people’s schedules and time. 

 

Even though I’m in a relationship now, I often do things alone. I realized I prefer shopping alone and sometimes a dinner alone is a nice relaxer. For example, yesterday, I REALLY wanted to have my favorite Cajun place’s crawfish and bread pudding to celebrate Mardi Gras. No one could go with me, but I went anyway. It was nice to meet and talk to the people around me and the staff. I learned more about the people that wait on me than if I would have been with someone else. And I got some really good food. :)

I’d encourage everyone to have me time. Whether that involves vegging out on the couch, going out to dinner or shopping, doing things alone doesn’t mean that you have to feel lonely while doing them. And you may make more connections by hanging out by yourself, if you are into the social side of things. Once you feel comfortable doing stuff by yourself, you’ll never regret not going somewhere just because no one else could go with you. Party of 1 can actually be a party! :)