When the World Comes Crashing Down

I haven’t had a moment like this in quite some time, but I was thinking about a friend of mine’s situation and how much I relate. A good friend of mine recently got a divorce and I was honestly shocked. She is a smart and balanced individual who did not enter the notion of marriage lightly. Her ex-husband seemed as if he was totally devoted and dedicated to their marriage and they both seemed very happy. They had a beautiful wedding with no red flags that I could see (and I’m pretty good at seeing those types of things). So when I found out that they had not been able to work it out, I was and am still shell shocked. 

I’ve been in a similar-ish situation myself. Thought I haven’t been married (thank the Lord), I was engaged for a year-ish my senior year of undergrad through my first year of graduate school and thought that I was happy. I had my bachelors, I was working on my masters (after applying with some pushing from my professor) and I thought that my life was right on track. Then one day, while I was working at my first internship of graduate school, it hit me like lightning. I shouldn’t be getting married. My ex-fiancé and I talked about marriage very little, if at all. I had no idea how we were going to be a functioning couple and family. I didn’t know how he wanted to raise children or manage finances. I didn’t know if he wanted me to stay home or have a job or even what I wanted in a life and family. And then I was sad, angry and guilty that I had placed myself and my ex into this situation. I didn’t know it was bad until I knew it wasn’t right and we ended it. I can genuinely say that I am glad that we both did not go through with it. From what I know, he has been much happier, as have I.

How do you deal with a situation like that? Even if there was not defining event, as there was not for me, everything that your life once was just is not how your life will be after such a large decision. Nothing can prepare you for that. You could go into a situation with the best of intentions and it just doesn’t work out. I can offer what I did and what I see my friend doing to get over these types of situations.

 I threw myself into school and work. I was left with a lot of financial difficulty following that relationship ending. I would not let it keep me from school, so I worked several jobs to support myself and pay the debts that I incurred. My friend is now furthering her education by going to law school, which she always wanted to do. My advice is to keep pushing for things that you want and things that you thought you could not accomplish before that event. 

While both of my examples are relationship based, I would say that this could apply to other events that impact your life so completely. Things like relocation, losing a job, losing a loved one, etc. It may seems like your entire world and life as you knew it has come crashing down around you, but doing nothing will ensure that it stays in shambles. I can honestly say that if I would not have pushed through it, I would not be in such a great place now! I also would have never had the opportunity to do the cool things I’m doing or meet all kinds of cool people. My world came crashing down for a reason, and even though I didn’t like it at the time, I am thankful to have learned from it.

Party of 1

If you know me, you know I’m a pretty social individual (and that may be the understatement of the century). I like to be around people and do things in groups. I also will talk your ear off.  I’ve gone somewhere I didn’t want to go just to hang out with a group of friends and not gone somewhere I really wanted to because no one could go with me. I’ve recently reconsidered this as I feel like I’m missing out on my own fun. 

I was actually forced to reconsider this when a long-term relationship of mine ended. I don’t know about everyone, but for me going from hanging out with a specific person every day to not doing that is a huge change for me. Plus, your “go-to” person has switched over the period of a long term relationship. While I have the best BFF EVER, I have to coordinate much more to be able to hang out with her than my significant other. You just fall into a routine. 

Anyway, after that I had many evenings spend alone. Not to wallow (because I don’t do that) but just because my friends had their own routines and things to do that I was not a part of. I was actually surprised that I LIKED that time. I would make dinner, go shopping or go to dance class. I would go out to eat by myself or sit and read in a coffee shop. I was then able to always do what I want, when I wanted to without having to rely on other people’s schedules and time. 

 

Even though I’m in a relationship now, I often do things alone. I realized I prefer shopping alone and sometimes a dinner alone is a nice relaxer. For example, yesterday, I REALLY wanted to have my favorite Cajun place’s crawfish and bread pudding to celebrate Mardi Gras. No one could go with me, but I went anyway. It was nice to meet and talk to the people around me and the staff. I learned more about the people that wait on me than if I would have been with someone else. And I got some really good food. :)

I’d encourage everyone to have me time. Whether that involves vegging out on the couch, going out to dinner or shopping, doing things alone doesn’t mean that you have to feel lonely while doing them. And you may make more connections by hanging out by yourself, if you are into the social side of things. Once you feel comfortable doing stuff by yourself, you’ll never regret not going somewhere just because no one else could go with you. Party of 1 can actually be a party! :)

Social Media Negativity

I posted this on my work website, but I thought us "digital age" individuals may think it is worth the read :)


It seems most industries have had to adjust some of their practices to compensate for the appearance of social media. Those practices can range from marketing techniques, HR policies to data collection methods for ROI. It seems every major retailer, fast food restaurant, and corporation has some sort of social media presence, whether it is a Facebook fan page, Twitter handle or LinkedIn group. This new “universe,” while seemingly interesting and positive is rather difficult to navigate. One misstep on or offline can lead to a huge issue because information sharing is much more quick. How do you deal with that?

I have an example of a small boutique-like store that my friend co-owns which has a relatively small social media presence. They have a Facebook page and often post pictures of their new merchandise, offer ordering through the page (offering phone numbers and a website) and have a blog where they put together some of their pieces into an outfit or look. They also have done a few contests that if you post a comment on their page or blog, you would be entered for a drawing for a piece of merchandise. These are all pretty good ways to grow their business and online presence for such a small store. 

Recently a customer came into the actual store wanting a refund for an item purchased after the 14 day policy clearly displayed in the front of the store (and honestly at most stores its 30 days). This person actually had the item for close to two months. The manager offered a store credit (against the policy) to help the customer, but could not offer a full cash refund (the item was purchased in 2011 and it was already 2012). The customer became irate and left the store. Following the incident, many VERY negative posts began to appear on the Facebook page from people outside of the state outlining bogus stories about how terrible this store was. In addition, this small group (about 5) of people also commented on every new post the store put out with negativity. 

What do you do? Do you delete the posts and block (a function on Facebook) those individuals? Do you report them to Facebook? What CAN you do? This is a situation which is different than what I’ve seen in the past. Typically something ACTUALLY goes wrong and it is spread rapidly online. This time, the customer got friends and family to victimize this page because they disagreed with a practice of the store, but didn’t state anything related to the incident on their posts; they just fabricated incidents.

There are a few ways an organization can deal with this. If the stories are clearly fabricated, deleting them and blocking the posters from your page can solve the problem. In addition, reporting them could be helpful, but it may not result in any action. Change your settings to not enable individuals to post on your wall, etc. This will work and this is what page in question did.

Another way to deal with this type of situation is that you can take a stand: Post a status update outlining the incident; fictional stories are being posted to your site. Apologize to your other customers, but leave up the majority of the posts. Respond to the posts asking for details of the stories (i.e. what person they talked to, the date of the incident, what merchandise was in question, etc.).  Being honest with your online following can go a long way. People understand that a small minority of individuals do those types of things, especially in the cover of “anonymity” and lack of consequences online. Those types of responses could result in positive responses from the customers you WANT to return. 

Social media can offer a variety of benefits, one of which is an organization can be more plugged in to their customers. It makes organizations appear as a group of people rather than a large, face-less entity. It gives a line of communication unlike any other between consumers and the organization as a whole. While that is very positive, it can become negative if the organization or its customers make it so. While an organization always wants to avoid negativity, it shows its true colors when reacting to negative claims. Turning a negative into a positive by being honest with all customers really sets organizations apart from each other and makes them more competitive in a customer’s or potential customer’s eyes.

Cultivating Relationships

After my undergraduate years were over, I have found that it is quite difficult to stay in touch with everyone that I used to spend just about every waking moment with. I am even in the same city! With dealing with the obstacles and learning curves of graduate school, internships, full time “big girl” jobs and overall being an adult, sometimes those relationships fall by the wayside. It makes you feel quite isolated, and quite frankly, old.

Now I know that we are all “busy” and we get “tired” from “working all day.” Have you said or heard that from a friend when trying to coordinate a lunch, dinner, HH or anything? Honestly, the “I’m really busy” excuse is ridiculous. We are all busy. We all have jobs, families, responsibilities, etc. I feel like sometimes when I ask people to hang out, they are just trying to come up with an excuse not to. I’ve been on that other side too, when someone wants to go to a HH, and I’d like to go, but all I can think about is crashing as soon as I get home. My advice is MAKE TIME to hang out with friends, boyfriends, etc. Making time isn’t necessarily easy, but make it a point to understand your habits and understand when you typically “flake out” from seeing people even if plans are on the calendar. 

I’ve noticed that once I get home, I am home for good. So instead of meeting friends later at the gym or at HH, I just schedule it so that I come straight from work, or I stay at work a little later. I also try and make plans only a week or so in advance. Then I won’t forget (which happens often if you aren’t put into my outlook) and also then it isn’t so last minute that I had already mentally decided what I was going to do that day. I also try and vary my time between people so that I can keep up with all of them. That also helps me to work around mine and other people’s schedules. Maybe lunch works better for them than HH. I also try to go to alumni events for my school or different groups I was a part of. Even scheduling an “Old UTD Cheerleader or Theta Alumni” hang out can help you to stay in touch. 

In addition, never feel bad for trying to rekindle a friendship that has gone on the backburner. While you may feel bad for letting it get that way, don’t ensure that the relationship will never again be what it was by simply not reaching out. I’ve found that people always appreciate me thinking of them. 

Cultivating relationships face to face is one of my challenges for the #StepUp30Day challenge. I tend to think that Facebook or Twitter only relationships are just as functional as face to face. While I think it is better than no relationship, making time for people means a lot to them and to me. I have never had a catch up “hang out” that I regretted attending. I always have regretted just going home and relaxing when I could have spent time keeping up with the people that I care about.

Voting for Dummies

I am honestly tired of the entire presidential election circus thus far. It’s not that I don’t care about the election, issues or system, I’m just tired of hearing report after report of things that quite frankly should not be included in my decision making process of who to vote for. If you know me or saw me at the Ms. Greek pageant in 2008, you’ll know that I am a HUGE American History buff/nerd. I can even sing all of the presidents, in order of term served, to the Gilligan’s Island theme song (shout out to Michael Patterson for that). So I have an appreciation for what was set up for us historically and how it was different from previous countries and how it has been pretty successful.

As per my last blog, I have many friends who have vastly different political beliefs and views. And if you think this is going to be a political debate blog, don’t worry, it won’t be. I actually like when those that have different beliefs ask me about mine, because it forces me to think about why I think the way I do about a certain issue. My beliefs are never 100% categorized into a party, and I really don’t think most people's are. Through those conversations, I understand what I think to be important to the future of this country and what will make life better for the future generations. What is important so that they can still live in the luxury of a free state. 

This is the first issue: I don’t look at what is best for me. It’s definitely hard and I have fallen into that trap. What is best for me is probably not best for most, sometimes it could be, but I’d challenge you to think about each issue and how each issue impacts the individuals within the US and how they impact other issues. All the issues are in a way, connected. The second piece of advice is to not let your emotions or passions cloud your judgment. Many people cannot have thoughtful conversations because of this. It’s hard to do, but I think once you get past that initial surge of feeling, you can begin to see where people are coming from. This isn’t changing your belief, just understanding any and all perspectives, whether you agree with them or not. Another thing to consider is that you will never have a candidate who represents your set of beliefs 100%. I wish it were the case, but it is not. That’s why some issues can be seen as “more important” than others. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they are; it just means that maybe they affect more people or maybe it’s a longer term issue than another issue. Whatever the case, weighing issues is important too. 

The last point I’d like to make is that we as a country seem to typically vote for the best “actor” rather than the best fit for the position. We vote for people who look like presidents, senators, politicians, etc. who say and do the “right” things. It seems to me that candidates almost create a caricature version of themselves worthy of movies, TV and political cartoons.  Ok history nerd coming on: An example of this is the Nixon v Kennedy debate (first ever aired on television). Nixon had a horrible cold and looked horrible (he refused to wear makeup, etc.) while of course Kennedy is good looking and well spoken. The interesting thing about this debate (regardless of your affiliation) is that the majority individuals who listened to it on the radio saw Nixon as the clear winner, while those who watched it on television pegged Kennedy to win. This isn’t a slight, merely an observation. We need to understand how our perceptions and misperceptions affect us. Maybe someone who doesn’t look or act the part could be the best fit, but currently, we probably wouldn’t give them the time of day as a less qualified candidate who looks and acts like a leader. Merely an example of how perceptions change your conclusions. 

I am not saying I have all the answers, or that I addressed everything within this tiny blog. I just wish people would have shared with me these things much earlier in life. To have the self-awareness to know those tendencies is more than enough to overcome then. While this is particularly about voting, that can be applied to everything in life. Regardless of your opinions, I hope that everyone can embrace the challenge to understand exactly and explicitly why you are putting the US and its future in a set of leaders’ hands.

Controversy is My Best Friend

One of my New Year’s Resolutions associated with Stepping Up (#StepUp30Day) is to write about issues that I’ve thought about that may be very controversial. I tend to think about a lot of these types of issues introspectively but honestly am a little apprehensive to talk about them with others (I know, out of character). One of the reasons this is, is that when you choose to discuss an issue centered on race relations, gender relations, politics, humanitarianism, war, etc., you run the risk of being labeled something extremely negative very quickly. In addition, because people have very passionate and emotional responses to those types of issues, they can decide that if you hold that view or perspective that you shouldn’t be counted in their circle of friends. 

For those reasons, I’ve been overly cautious with approaching subjects such as these on such a permanent and public forum. And then I have been thinking that it is absurd to not discuss issues because I’m afraid of the outcomes. If we are to continue down the path of mutual respect and understanding of each other, sweeping hard subjects under the rug isn’t going to get there. The topic I wanted to start a discussion about centers around race relations and just what I have observed, experienced, etc. 

I recently had a very negative experience on Facebook on my friend’s status asking about apartment suggestions around the city. I suggested the area in which I live, which is relatively inexpensive and close to major routes. Then one of her friends commented in all caps, to stay away from my suggestion because it is in the “projects.” Regardless of whether this assertion is true or not (I don’t think so) I decided to respond, as I think it’s ridiculous that someone would say that on a public forum. Long story short, this girl continued to say more and more that it was the projects, that she was laughing at my expense, etc. Now as I said earlier this is an open racial discussion, and during this entire ordeal, I kept thinking that if our races were reversed (I am white and she is black) that she would have immediately been labeled a racist or some other such negative term. 

I thought that was rather interesting that merely switching a race that such a different outcome would most likely occur. So, I went researching. First, I proposed a question to my Facebook friends to message me if they thought that there was a racial double standard within the US (because that is most of their home country and where most of their experiences would arise). I left the question vague because I wanted to see how people would interpret it. 

One of the best responses (I thought) that I got pointed out that we use the word double standard when talking about race, and there are definitely more than two within the United States. In addition to that, many people brought up differences including the availability of jobs and scholarships, social interaction (as in what is ok or what is not ok to say, do, etc.) to even identifying with your race and how it differs for the majority versus minorities. They provided me with articles, studies, blogs, and other resources to help me to understand their views. It was also mentioned that many so called “racist” behaviors are determined to be racist by more or a preference or belief of specific individuals, but not necessarily shared across a group of the same race. So engaging in such behavior with one group of individuals may have a very different outcome when doing that with other individuals. It was highlighted that openly talking with your friends about various things and being honest when something bothers you or being open about your intentions is crucial. Things taken out of context can have detrimental effects.  I honestly was blown away by how many well thought out responses that I got from a very diverse sample of individuals. 

Now after collecting a lot of this information, I got to thinking about what I can do to contribute to making this issue be less volatile and generate more positive discussion to help people move forward. While I can’t change all negativity at the drop of a hat, I can do my own part to diminish it. I actually got my answer from a friend (who happens to be a different race) who allowed me to talk about this with her.  She said, yes there are differences and yes there are struggles bases upon your race. Highlighting them will do nothing. Pushing them aside and being successful regardless of those differences will. In addition helping those that you see struggling, supporting them and not holding onto initial judgments or stereotypes, regardless of how you can “classify” them as will help diminish the negativity. 

I like to end with a challenge. I challenge all of my readers to discuss a “controversial” topic with your friends constructively. You will be very surprised at what comes of it. What I learned while discussing this with my friend is that I felt that I had a level of understanding I didn’t have and it increased my “closeness” with her. It made our friendship stronger and means something. 

Note: Thanks for reading! While I was researching this blog, I saw a video poking fun (not in a bad way, or at least I didn’t take it that way) around this issue. The video is S*** White Girls Say to Black Girls. She apparently gets funded based upon the number of clicks and I thought it was brave of her to make this parody. I found it funny (and that sometimes I have fallen victim to some of the quotes), so I hope you do too!