Eavesdropping on Recruiting

Listening to my recruiters call potential candidates, do phone screens and set up interviews has really become a ritual. I sit in a cube near them and while I’m posting to social media, researching vendors, wrangling vendors (LOL), investigating hard-to-fill areas and looking for ways to help them in general, I hear “Good afternoon, may I speak with..” “Hey, I’m just giving you a call back to check on your status of paperwork..” “Ok, I can walk you through this process, it will take about 10 minutes…” ”Do you have time between 2-4pm for an interview…” “ While on the interview be sure to be professionally dressed and really talk about your experience and excitement for the position..” and the list goes on and on.

What occurred to me the other day is that these people, MY recruiters are truly helping others. While it might seem like an automated machine of filling requisitions and jobs, they WANT these people to get jobs. I hear them talk about their candidates and how they get frustrated when the hiring manager doesn’t give them the time of day when they are a good candidate. Or when the candidates act like they are telemarketers – they really are trying to get this person a job and squared away to be hired! I also hear them coach them after the hiring manager decides not to hire them. They ask about the interview, ask what was said and provide feedback based upon the hiring manager. I would have LOVED to get that early on in my career or even now! Interviews often feel weird when you are denied a position – how can I improve? I’m hearing them do this for their candidates, whether they are part time or salaried.

Sometimes recruiting gets a bad rap. Recruiters are like salespeople in a lot of ways – they are selling the job and organization to a candidate. They are looking to assess fit on the front line and are looking for people that WANT to work; who would be a good addition to the team. I hear candidates and hiring managers tell these people that they do not have the best interests of others at heart – that they just want to reach numbers. That isn’t what I’m seeing. I’m seeing people trying to do right by others. I hear it every day. And I’m proud to hear it! 

Through the Eyes of Someone Else

I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts on the current state of race relations within the United States for quite some time now. It isn’t an easy thing to do, as you have opinions thrown from people, the media, “experts,” your friends and family, etc. and you SHOULD sift through that information to get to a conclusion. I think people that try to simplify that issue are tending to ignore how many things it actually touches. We – as humans, do have the tendency to categorize things to lighten our cognitive load and a lot of that categorization is based on sight as it takes the least amount of energy (unless there is a physical disability). While we can say all we want that “I don’t see color,” you do – even if you are colorblind you see changes in shade, darkness and hue. You see it. You live your lift based on it. Admitting that is the first step.

I am not coming from a self-righteous place. I used to be the one saying, wow these people use their race to get what they want, I’m not racist, I have black friends and LOVE their culture (especially their dancing) and if they would just act right around cops or authority, they wouldn’t have an issue. Those are all fine and not inherently hurtful or malicious, but they are part of the problem. All of these are not taking the step back and realizing that the world that YOU or I see as a white individual is NOT the world that someone who is perceived or IS a non-white individual sees. Getting to that place took a very long time for me. I mean, I’ve had struggles and I just didn’t understand why that group would harp on things (at least that’s what I always thought). So I’ll give you a glimpse into the journey of understanding that I’ve gone on. It will never be complete, but I think it’s important to note that it takes hard WORK and a hard look at yourself and things that make you feel secure.

The first foray I had into this was in high school. I was a PROUD member of the step team and I was a cheerleader. I was the only white girl on the step team and loved it. That group taught me all kinds of really cool things and were very accepting of the notion of me wanting to be a part of their group, even though I was different. They let me help with dance choreography, since I did it for the cheerleaders and it made me feel like I was contributing too! Then we were all called into the office because of “vulgar dance moves” and they were calling for the immediate disbandment of the group. The sponsoring teacher was even pressured into not sponsoring it. I spoke up – I said I did the choreography and the move that they were referring to was actually in the cheerleaders’ choreography as well. I went on to say further that in this instance in the past with the cheerleading team, if something was deemed offensive, it was communicated and we would rectify it before the next performance. Why was this group automatically disbanded? They let it go and we were able to continue, but the significance of that double standard hit me much later in life. I still didn’t get that my step team EXPECTED to be treated differently until years later.

The second time I saw a difference in how the world treats non-white individuals was when I had a coworker offer me a ride home from my first job after grad school. My car wasn’t working and he generously offered to drive out of his way so I didn’t have to wait on a friend. He was a black man. On our way through an upper middle class area (I don’t even think it was a predominately white area, but I could be wrong), we were pulled over. Now, I am a NOTORIOUS speeder and have been pulled over 19 times. I am used to traffic stops, but what happened next was shocking to me. As soon as we pulled into a lot (to not block traffic) the cop rushes towards the car with his flashlight up yelling “HANDS ON THE WHEEL.” Mind you, my friends hands were already there. No cop had ever said that to me. Every time I was pulled over, I was always digging for my license and insurance card. Once he got up to the window, he looked at me and asked if I was ok, which completely caught me off guard and I answered yes. Then he turns back to my friend and asked if he knew what he did wrong. We BOTH answered no (he wasn’t speeding or violating traffic laws that I knew of). The whole time I felt like we had done something really wrong and the cop was really aggressive. Come to find out, the headlight was out. Once we both reacted with surprise and both thanked him, he let us go. Now – let’s be clear. This wasn’t about the outcome, this was about the IMMEDIATE suspicion of wrongdoing and aggressive actions taken. I’ve never experienced that, even when I back talk police, much like the girl in McKinney, TX at that pool party. If I get pulled over for no reason or asked to do a sobriety test when walking from a TGI Fridays to my car, I definitely ask for the cause in a not so nice way. I’ve never had negative consequences because of it.

Right or wrong, I never experience aggression on that level in my many conversations with cops. It could have been because I got all nice cops, but it could also be that I’m not categorized as a threat as a white woman. While these categorizations can be helpful, being cognizant of how they can be harmful is just as important. We’ve seen so many examples of people who seemed like they weren’t a threat (John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos) that actually were and we’ve seen people who looked like a threat that were not (Eric Garner, Dajerria Becton, Milton Hall). I’m not blaming cops specifically, but since they are the ones enforcing the law (and I thank them for that and their service), they tend to be the ones highlighted. It isn’t JUST cops that do this. I categorize too. I notice if I’m walking alone in a parking garage and I see a man that I immediately get my keys ready as a possible self-defense weapon and walk faster. I don’t do that when a woman is around. While that is categorization, it doesn’t mean it’s right. I have to look for signs of a threat rather than using the shortcut of my sight.

I provided two examples of when I really started to see that people are systematically treated differently based upon how they are categorized. I’ve experienced it as well, being a woman and all. Growing up, I refused to think that I couldn’t do things because I was a girl. I never felt like I was less than men – I killed at math and played sports and was strong. The overt treatment is few and far between, it’s the subtleties that speak the volumes. I’m categorized as not knowing anything mechanical or technical and that I want to get married and have a family. that I can sew. While one of out of those three examples is true, that’s what is attributed to me by mere sight.

Once I started to understand how I was categorized, I started to REALLY LOOK at how others were categorized. How they were treated straight off the bat from most people. How it differed between groups (i.e. a woman categorizing a woman vs. a man categorizing a woman vs. a woman categorizing a man and same goes for races, perceived sexual orientation and religion as sight only provides a perception of those two). How it was more positive for some groups and more negative for others.

I also started to really listen to my friends in other groups. They are MY FRIENDS! Why would I discount their views without giving them adequate listening time, thought time and question time? Many of my friends who have been saying this for years I never even ASKED. That isn’t being a friend. And many of them were so happy I finally did. It took a lot of courage on my part and a lot of patience on theirs, but seriously, if you can’t ask your friends about their views and accept them, even if you inherently disagree, you aren’t being a good friend. I also didn’t just hide or unfriend them on social media because I disagreed with their views. Evolving as a person and seeking out differing views is what makes you a better person – it helps you grow. I also did a lot of reading. I read anything I could on the subject from both sides of the fence.

But what occurred to me the most is that we aren’t necessarily on opposite sides. No one likes to be categorized negatively based upon how they look. We have all of these stories and adages of how people look one way and prove to be something else. “Never judge a book by its cover.” I think a step in the right direction is to accept people’s experiences as their reality even if it is not yours. And have the compassion to try and make it better by “walking a mile in their shoes” even if it is figuratively. Think through events and how you would be treated if you were categorized differently. How would that mechanic treat you if you were a black woman? What about the bouncer if you were a white male? How about a waitress if you were an Asian woman? Or a fellow airplane passenger if you were an Arab male? THAT is the first step to opening your eyes and that is the action you can take. We all say we want peace, understanding and less violence and frustration. Take the step to get there rather than just saying it. See the world through the eyes of someone else. 

Have Courage and Be Kind

I was thinking about life, karma, fairness and hard times. It’s been an ongoing thought to ponder for me over the past few years – as times haven’t been perfect, but hey – they never are. I always to try to think about my blessings and what is going well. Even though outward appearances can appear otherwise, everyone has problems and struggles – they might be different in gravity, but they are there. I recently saw Cinderella and it tied into my thoughts as of late.

One of the biggest things we HOPE in life is that if you do good, you’ll have good things happen to you and if you do bad, then there will be consequences. Life has taught me that this is true, but that sometimes it’s blurred as to what good and bad outcomes look like for each person. It might seem like they do horrible things and get good outcomes, but that might not be the case – and it might be. One of the things that I have come to find is that sometimes you do great things and you still have bad things happen. It could be bad from relationships, family, financial, work, etc. standpoints, but nothing is ever perfect. The bad tends to come in waves towards me. When things go south, it tends to be multiple things that go badly – I have to pay some insane amount of money for some mistake I could have avoided or I have to be the glue for my family or I lose a source of income. (Yes this has all happened in 2 months to me). I keep trying to do good, help others and be kind, but it gets tough. How can you keep persevering and helping others when you need help yourself?

After seeing Cinderella, I loved one of the many messages that it had (this was probably the most

overt message of the bunch). Things go bad for no reason. Sometimes you really don’t have control in it. People can be mean and cruel and it just quite frankly, sucks. Cynical outlook, huh?! Not really, it’s just the truth. HOWEVER you DO have a tiny bit of control. You have control over yourself and not losing yourself based on bad situations. You can CHOOSE to be kind. You can CHOOSE to forgive. It isn’t easy, and takes an HUGE amount inner strength (which I think Cinderella possesses ). Being able to choose to react to situations in this way takes a ton of courage. You can have the courage to choose to not let a situation define you. You can definitely learn from the bad times, but don’t let it impact your overall persona. Have the courage TO be kind, no matter the situation.

Offering Forgiveness

One of my New Year’s Resolutions this year was to offer and accept forgiveness better. That is one of those resolutions that is really hard to measure progress on – there isn’t a picture I can take of before and after or say yes, I have done this TODAY, so it’s over. It’s a process and sometimes it can be difficult to identify ways to accomplish this specific goal. In light of my current situation, I feel that I’ve offered forgiveness and empathized with others’ rather than focus on myself when it would be so easy to. I’m proud of the way I responded, and I hope that I do this every time that I have the control to forgive and make a situation better.

I was recently laid off from my primary job. Any time I share that with people, I get the obligatory “I’m sorry,” and most people ARE genuinely concerned. This always surprises me, but that is a story for another day. The circumstances surrounding that decision aren’t really fair, but nothing ever is. I feel like I’ve been forced to abandon my team and clients in a time when they need me most. My team’s hands are tied and most were quite shocked and upset for me and this situation. My management team has shown that they care for me and my situation. I could tell they were scared that I would blame them – it really wasn’t in their hands. It would have been so easy for me to allocate blame and lash out at the people who cared for me the most, the people I see daily and who I look to for leadership. It would be easy to be angry and closed off and make them feel even worse about the situation. Even though it would have been easy, it would not have been right.

These people, some of which I’ve worked with for nearly a decade, cared for me inside and outside of work. They WANT me to be on their team; they see my strengths and help with my weaknesses. They are my friends and I know that they don’t “have it out” for me. Sometimes business is just business and it, quite frankly, sucks sometimes. You can’t throw away relationships just because of one bad event – even if that event is really affecting you adversely.

I made the effort to reach out to my team and tell them, I know it isn’t your fault entirely. I forgive you for anything that happened that you think is your fault. I know you have my best interests at heart and are still my friend –regardless of the situation at hand. I did all of this while thinking of my resolution and thinking of why I wrote it.

I wrote it because sometimes situations aren’t worth burning long forged friendships even if it seems like that is the case. Maybe taking a step back for a while or realizing that these people really aren’t trying to hurt you will help (not in all cases, but in many). By just offering that one step towards forgiveness, the relationships strengthen tremendously. I’ve had people forgive me when I’ve hurt them intentionally or unintentionally when I feel like I didn’t deserve it, but I am eternally grateful that they let me have a second chance. You screw up, you’re human – admit it, move on and keep trying to be better. This is one step that I hope to keep making and I hope to have more examples to share throughout the year! 

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful happened to me a couple of weeks ago and I felt the need to share it with all of you. If you didn’t know me growing up (and even if you did), I’m going to outline some of things I had to deal with while I was younger. From the time I was a kindergartner, I was bullied by someone. Let's clarify that I was not a perfect angel growing up, but I experienced a lot of people being not so nice to me for no reason at all. My first bully was named Amanda – she was in the 6^th grade and used to love making me cry (as a 5 year old). I rode on a bus to school and it got so contentious, that my mom got on the bus and told her to leave me be. She often would make me sit without my friends and talk about how stupid I was.

The next bully I had was pretty consistent, from the time I first encountered her in the 4^th grade all the way through high school – though once I hit 9^th grade, it didn’t bug me as much and since we weren’t really EVER in the same classes, she had less of an opportunity (but she was sure to try as hard as she could). She turned many a girl and guy against me in middle school, to the point that my mom had to be at the school all the time BEGGING for people to keep her away from me or to do something. It turned me angry and acidic towards others and definitely broke my trustfulness nature in others. I became guarded. I also thought that my friends and others were deliberately trying to hurt me anytime I felt hurt, which wasn’t the case. I acted out in school as I was so frustrated with the situation and the injustice of it all. Many of my teachers in middle school either didn’t do anything about this situation or made me the problem because this girl’s mom was well known and respected in the community. It was tough for me until high school. My mom kept me involved in things outside of school so that my friend base wasn’t just in school and I had something to look forward to every day. I think that made me grow less guarded, more trusting and made me more of the positive person I am and see myself as today. By the way, this girl was deliberately mean to me at our 10 year high school reunion, so not much has changed.

With that background in mind, one of the girls that had not been so nice to me in school (not one of the aforementioned bullies) added me on Facebook. My first thought was NO WAY. She’s trying to stalk my profile and pick apart my life, just like she did when we were 13. My second thought was, maybe she is just trying to make a friend. With some trepidation, I accepted her request. Nothing happened for a long time after I added her. It seemed like she was happy, had a nice family and that things were going mostly well for her. Recently, she started posting about how her son was being bullied in middle school. While I don’t wish that on ANY child, I got rather angry. Why, would this person not see that they had caused me harm in vivid memories and then go on and on about how they can’t get any help from the school? My mom had to FIGHT tooth and nail for any justice or help for me without the aid of social media BECAUSE of things this girl did to me or participated in to make me feel badly. In my frustration, I posted a Facebook status echoing these thoughts. What happened on that status warms my heart to this day. That post got 42 comments, some outlining past issues, some talking about that maybe this person didn’t see the parallels in their own behaviors and the entire thread was about people sharing past experiences and trying to move on from them. Then I got a private message from the girl herself asking if was referring to her at all.

I was, to a degree. It wasn’t directed solely at her, many other people who had not been very nice to me were posting those things, but she was in that group of individuals. She apologized and we got to talking and I thought that it was the end of it. THEN she did an even more amazing thing – she posted a comment on my status saying that she was guilty of being nasty to me and that she was sorry (purple in the picture). She also posted a status about me – all positive things. 

Now, when I posted that frustrated status, I NEVER thought this would happen. I also NEVER thought that we would become long-distance friends when I added her as a friend on Facebook. BUT I’m SO GLAD that that is what happened! It’s hard to move on from those transgressions that you had in school that really changed and affected you, however small they might seem. People do grow up and change (not all the time, but a lot of the time). I’ve made it a philosophy in my life to try and offer forgiveness as often as I can (again, not all the time, as I’m not a saint). This instance was an example of a beautiful person doing a beautiful thing. What’s your something beautiful this month? I’d challenge you to display the level of humility, kindness and thoughtfulness MY FRIEND did to right a very old wrong that really meant more to me than she probably ever will realize. It also impacted my overall attitude and the way I've been approaching frustrating situations for the past several weeks. It was a beautiful thing and I was glad to be a part of it! 

What's your Challenge?

So I know most of my blog posts tend to be about personal discovery, how to deal with issues and things I learn the along the way. This one is a bit different, but still has the same theme. As many of you know, I’ve been on a journey to embrace a healthier lifestyle. I was brought up as the fast food queen and didn’t have to work at being thin. I did do a lot of physical activity, but it just was for fun (i.e. dance, basketball, track, cheerleading, etc.)  I never saw it as work or helping my body.

Once I got to grad school, I started to feel and see the effects of my not-so-great choices. I was never and have never really struggled with weight (I wasn’t happy with it, but it wasn’t a true struggle), but I did struggle with fatigue, strength and not being able to do physical things. I struggled to walk up stairs, struggled to breathe in dance classes, struggled to be able to balance working a waitressing job, an internship and grad school from a purely physical standpoint. I had trouble getting out of bed and had trouble not wanting several naps throughout the day.

While a goal of being a professional dancer/cheerleader fueled the fire, I decided to make the change to get in shape and be healthier. I can tell you, it was TOUGH to navigate what exercises to do and when, what things were good to eat and how often and when to eat them. I learned that while there are overall trends, you really have to do what is good for your body. You’ll FEEL it. Sometimes that means indulging in some high calorie foods. Sometimes that means taking a break and sleeping in. Those aren’t necessarily sound like they are a part of the lifestyle I’m trying to achieve and maintain, but they definitely are.

The ONE big thing I’ve discovered about myself is that, like in school or work, I like to work on deadlines. I like to procrastinate. I get a rush in getting things done efficiently and meeting a hard deadline. That translates into my workout schedule. If I don’t set small goals for myself (work out 3-4 days a week, for example), I won’t do it. I’ll make excuses for myself or just generally say I’m too tired or don’t have time, neither of which are the case MOST of the time.

One big change that I’ve made and am continuing to work on to help me stay on track is to NEVER miss a Monday workout. It doesn’t matter if I do it before work, during lunch or after work. It doesn’t matter what the workout consists of – sometimes it is weightlifting, sometimes the elliptical, sometimes a quick ab workout and sometimes a dance class. BUT I never miss it. It starts my wee

k off on a positive note. I feel like I’ve accomplished something after a hard Monday, being able to say, I sucked it up and did what I had to do. That sets the tone for the entire week. I’m more likely to work out more throughout the week and stay motivated. It also keeps me from feeling as tired or worn out.

While I think you need to do what is right for you, I would say try out as many little things to stay motivated! It’s hard to do so, especially this time of year, where there are fun holidays, food and cold weather. I like to curl up, read a book and drink yummy drinks, but just making small changes and doing small things can help to keep me on track through the season. I have read that the average American puts on 8 pounds throughout the holiday season, and I definitely see the truth in that for myself. By ensuring I keep up with my workouts and only indulge once or twice a week in comfort good, I don’t have an uphill battle come January! Don’t create that for yourself! My biggest challenge is to not skip a Monday workout throughout this season. Make one for yourself and stick to it! 

Picking Yourself Up

I’ve been super bad about blogging lately, but I’ve made a promise to myself to not blog while angry EVER and I’ve been mighty angry as of late. There are a lot of things that haven’t been going so well, work related stressors, family issues, etc. and that contributes to being generally in a foul mood. While people might not see that externally, my internal mood tends to spill out when I’m writing. I made the promise to myself to not spew my negativity on the internet, so I apologize for my self-imposed hiatus.

BUT! I’m back and I want to use one of my latest experiences as a discussion starter or even just a thought starter J I recently went through a huge betrayal-type situation. I had a close friend who I very much valued her opinion and friendship basically try to hurt me, humiliate me, take away an opportunity that I LOVED to have and then justify it by lying about me to mutual friends and complete strangers. I didn’t really think this could happen after middle school, but alas, it does. It isn’t an easy thing to get through. Not only did I have to mourn the loss of opportunity and friendship, I had NO idea what triggered such a negative reaction. I also lost many friends in the crossfire as they didn’t know who or what to believe. That definitely affected me. It wasn’t fun or easy to work through. BELIEVE me; it took a ton of time to work through it.

I was angry, sad and mortified. My trust was completely broken and I started to question my own judgment. I wracked my brain to understand what I did to deserve such a transgression. And then I had it! I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t wrong. I didn’t deserve it. I had something horrible happen to me at the hand of someone I trusted and cared about and I have to live with it, but I wasn’t the issue. Oftentimes, people (me included) think they do good things to get good outcomes and bad things to get bad outcomes. When something horrible out of the blue happens, I tend to blame myself and try and find reason as to why that happened. Sometimes, people are just terrible – it isn’t my or your fault. Now, I’m not saying to NEVER accept blame for a bad outcome, but sometimes, it really isn’t YOU. It’s THEM.

After the fact, I tried to find the silver linings. I was able to devote more time to my boyfriend, friendships, work, etc. I was able to come to terms with my entire lifestyle change to be healthy and fit and that I was, in fact, doing that for me! I wasn’t doing it to appease said friend or anyone else. I was able to THINK. I had been running myself ragged with these people, FOR these people, who clearly didn’t care for me. It’s nice to be able to devote my time, effort and energy to things that matter and to people that cared.

After coming to that realization, I realized that I needed a re-charge, reset, refresh. I needed to come up with new goals to get that opportunity back that was taken from me. I needed to think outside the box. I needed to come up with a plan to reach those goals and stick with it. FOR ME. No one else. Picking yourself up after something horrible isn’t easy. And my life hasn’t gotten any less difficult; I still have the issues above – BUT being able to work through them, come up with positive ways to cope and positive ways to move forward has been my saving grace. I also can say that I didn’t do it alone. By reaching out when I knew I needed some help and having people reach out to me to give support, I was able to work through things much more quickly. I’ll be honest – I felt very alone, but having people just say, “hey, what happened to you sucked and I hope you are doing ok” really made the difference for me! Having a support system really helps and I’m glad to have built lasting relationships with people who are there to help pick me up. Yes, I picked myself up, but I had help to continue standing.