So I haven’t made an entry in a while, mostly because I
really like to keep these positive and life isn’t going very positively for me
right now. I like to offer advice on how to get through things, so I was
waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but so far, no dice. I know
it’s cliché, but for me, when it rains, it seriously pours, like DELUGE style.
I felt that even in light of this being kind of a heavy/downer post, I thought
that maybe some of you can relate to some of the issues or are just feeling
overwhelmed in life in general.
That is how I’ve been feeling in general: OVERWHELMED.
Overwhelmed with change, overwhelmed with relationships, overwhelmed in tasks
and overwhelmed with emotions, etc. And even though I’m feeling like I’m in
over my head in almost every aspect of my life, I keep trying to push through
it and remain the stalwart, strong person that I aspire to be. Most of the
time, looking for what’s next, keeping a positive attitude and pushing through
the tough stuff works just fine for me. Not this time though. It doesn’t seem
to matter how much I try to make my situation better or keep a good outlook, I
still have that same feeling of drowning.
And I know we’ve all be there. At that point, where another
transgression results in a meltdown; a large transgression or a small one. It
doesn’t matter. It’s just one more thing to deal with and that causes the
break. I had that happen recently, where one thing was just the last straw of
months and months of carrying more than I could lift on my shoulders, of having
to deal with massive changes that I had no control over and questioning
everything and everyone In my life.
I’m not writing this entry for sympathy, pity or even advice.
I’m writing this entry because I think it’s important that people know what I figured
out mid-meltdown. Even though I felt VERY alone and even though I was mortified
that I couldn’t maintain my strength any longer, I knew I wasn’t alone. Unfortunately,
I had a few witnesses to my succumbing to pressure as I made my exit to deal
with this alone. I mean, they are my problems, right? No one needs to know
about them, much less actually care or help me. That’s how I felt. Everyone has
problems and mine have no more weight than theirs.
I actually felt an
immense amount of guilt even being that upset about my issues. I mean, I could
have worse issues like living in hunger or feeling unsafe. Why am I so upset
about a few changes and that feeling of being overwhelmed if other people can
deal with much, much more horrible things?
Mid-meltdown, I realized that I should have reached out
sooner for help. But the problem was and is, is that I never know how much I
really need help until I try to reach out or a meltdown occurs. I felt that
even though I’m in this “funk,” that it will pass, no one needs to bother with
me or lend an ear or a shoulder. I can handle it, until I couldn’t. I had so
much showing of support from so many people that I felt I could never ask in a
million years to hug me while I cried, to talk me through everything that had
been going awry, sit with me at my favorite restaurant so that I didn’t have to
be alone, or even just send encouraging thoughts and words or even just
checking on me via text message. THAT made all the difference.
Even though my problems and issues are still there, I don’t
feel like I’m drowning any more. The feeling of pressure is still there, but it does
n’t seem nearly as insurmountable.
So even though this post isn’t my typical positive style, I wanted to offer
those who are in similar situations a challenge. FIND someone to confide in.
FIND someone who will be your person. I have more than one person, but there is
that go to person I NEED to talk things through and it always results in better
things to come. And as they say “this too shall pass.”
