It only takes one YES.

So often we see people writing about how they have become successful and that it takes a ton of failure. We know these stories of how Michael Jordan didn't make a basketball team or how Albert Einstein's mother was told that he was stupid and couldn't amount to anything. Hearing these stories does help when things don't work out, but actually going through that failure hurts. Rejection, being told no, being told you aren't good enough, can't do something, etc. hurts. It just hurts. it is OK that it hurts. LET it hurt. That is one thing through my many failures that I've learned - don't act like you didn't care or that it doesn't hurt. That hurts you even more in the long run - it's like avoiding an injury and continuing to use the injured part of you. Acknowledge it.

The second thing I do in a failure situation is setting a time for me to be done wallowing. Now, don't get me wrong, I STILL WALLOW. I just set a realistic timeline of how long I will be wallowing before I try something again or pick myself up and try something new. In addition to setting the timeline for the wallowing, I also have my typical things I do that cheer me up. If I get cut from a dance audition, I always eat something ridiculously awful. A whole pizza or something covered in spicy queso or even a Cajun Fondue PoBoy (where I ask them to put the fondue straight on the bread so I don't have to mess with the dipping). That doesn't mean I go crazy forever of being unhealthy, but I allow myself the indulgence. I also watch random movies or go out with friends. I do something I've been putting off like spot cleaning the carpet or heck, why not make the apartment spotless?! I do those things within my timeline of wallowing.

Then I get back on the wagon and try again. It sounds cliche, but I cannot even begin to count the amount of failures I've had, even if we try to narrow it down to dancing, work, school, following societal norms for women my age, etc. A good friend once told me to NEVER stop trying. You might get a million "no's" but it only takes one yes. IT ONLY TAKES ONE YES. That yes can change your life. And you only need one of them. That mantra gets me through every stinging, horrible rejection I've ever had. It helps me to keep going, to keep trying and to not quit. If something is important enough to you to try, keep trying. I'll balance this out by saying if you are putting yourself in a harmful situation (physically, emotionally, etc.) then definitely quit that, I'm talking more about dreams, hopes and goals. Don't give up on that. Don't give up on YOU.

Take what is yours, but no more

I pride myself in working hard to ensure that I can live the way I want without worrying about my finances. I make sure to hold multiple jobs, if necessary, and take no days off. Sometimes that rocks and sometimes that really sucks. I recently had my first full weekend off in months and seriously didn't know what to do with myself. It was truly refreshing, but I'm not sure if I want that all the time. I like to be doing things or thinking about things. I've heard this is a Millennial type trait, but for me, it's a necessary part of life. If I want certain things, I have to do certain things to get the things that I want.

One thing that has been a constant for me is that I want to spend what I earn and not what other people earn. It's nice to be treated by my significant other or friends every so often, but I feel personally responsible for myself and my well being. That isn't to say that I feel that I shouldn't donate money or treat my friends back, but I do make sure I can handle whatever expenditures that I incur.

This isn't a post to shame others who can't take care of themselves - there are some situations that are horrible, tragic, and all too common. I'm happy to lend a hand when people are in need because I've been in need and didn't receive much help. I didn't even know I needed help, to be honest. Most people don't. Offering help and love sans judgement is important and a part of being a good friend, person and human.

This is a post about knowing what is yours and what isn't yours to take. I'm not only referring to materials; I'm referring to time, love, etc. I love Beyonce's "
Formation" and I love that she says "take what's mine." She doesn't say take what isn't hers. She doesn't say steal. She says what is hers. Remember to take what is yours, but not more.

Remember to turn on the light

I know y'all are thinking - WOW two posts in two days? Or maybe not, but I'm liking having some time to think and write, so I'm happy to share it with you! Yesterday's post was about keeping it real - having that tough conversation with yourself in a negative time to turn that situation around for the better. Today's thoughts are about how to get to that positive and run with it.

One thing that has been a constant for me is that I'm a very independent person who sometimes (often) gets lost in my day to day tasks and forgets to connect with my friends and family. Social media sites give me a quick way to check in and I can text and such asking how things are going, but I mean really CONNECT. Connecting to me is talking with the person about what they and I are passionate about. They might not be the same, but doing so brings you to such a great place. I have a couple of examples of how I chose to start this Monday out - by connecting.

Since I have some extra time, I've been more thoughtful in my day job tasks and initiatives. I was contemplating the best way to do launch a new piece of collateral that we created (it is SUPER cool, so stay tuned for how we launch it) in a timely manner. One thing about my organization and the industry that we are in is that everything is very fast paced - it's necessary for the operations sides of things. While it is important to execute in a timely fashion, I didn't want to sacrifice this great piece of collateral - I didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle of Monday posts. So Sunday, I was thinking about the best way to do this and had a few ideas, but wasn't sure what would be the best way. So what do I do? I call my friend Jill to talk through them. I've worked with her for a long time and see her as being a great thinker and doer - she sees things others don't AND I also wanted to catch up with her on a personal level. That conversation not only helped with one task, but might have offered a great opportunity for her AND me, simply from a phone call. I drove into work feeling great, confident and like I had a good purpose for today.

Halfway through my morning, I texted my friend, Jenna from high school just to chat. She popped into my head and I thought I'd say hello. I ended up talking with her for just under two hours while I was doing my day to day tasks about anything and everything that was going on with our lives, how past events lead to them, our feelings about current events, travel, etc. I haven't spoken with her in person for a while now and she gave me even more of a purpose for my day than I had talking with Jill. I also remembered that I DO have a great friend sitting in a different state that I can lean on when I need it and I think Jenna realized that I can be that person for her too. Even though we are far apart, we still can be supportive through happy and difficult times and events.

I named this post after one of my FAVORITE Harry Potter quotes by Albus Dumbledore (even though Severus Snape is the best character of all time). Remembering to turn on the light is huge. I'm not even in a "darkest of time" scenario, but I was forgetting to turn on the light. I was struggling to find purpose and direction, but didn't remember that I can turn on the smallest of lights that can help me find my way. For me, the way to turn on that light is to connect. To actually sit down and give time to the people who care about me and who I care about - with no other purpose than to say hello and see what's up. When you're stuck in a situation, find the switch, and turn on the light.

Keepin it Real

Hey y'all! It's been a LONG time since my last post. Honestly, life has gotten busy and I haven't had as much time to think through things - I'm not going to post for posts sake. One of the things that I've been grappling with lately is what I really want to do with my life. Everyone makes it sound so simple - have a family, a career, travel the world, etc. That isn't really what I'm talking about, though those are great goals to aspire to - I'm talking about what do you want to do day to day to be happy and fulfilled. THAT is a much harder question. The thing that makes it so hard is that you THINK certain things will make you happy and they do, but the over time, it becomes another chore in life.

Personally, I struggle with the whole closure thing. I'm not good at knowing that something good has run its course and having the courage to walk away. I'm always trying so hard to hold onto every little positive thing or success that sometimes I hold on too tightly and end up stressing myself out. I also loathe the phrase "Are you stressed? when my entire life is stress. It might not be stress about my survival, more like, self imposed stress. I'm trying to do a good job with everything I do and make sure I can balance my many commitments. I'm digressing, but I wanted to make that point - life is stress for me.

Back to my earlier point, how do you know when to walk away from something and try something new? What would that something new be? Well, as I said, I'm not the best at identifying that. Typically, something happens that forces me into a new position. I'll admit, the biggest obstacle is overcoming my own fear. Even if things are going badly, I think about that it could be worse and the unknown is worse. That isn't necessarily true, but that's my line of thought. People always say the grass is greener on the other side (until you get to the other side and then it's not as nice as you think it is).

I also struggle with knowing if I'm giving up or not. I'd describe myself as persistent and resilient and I don't want to feel like a quitter. I always am trying to get better and trying to do more, but at what point is that futile? I think that it takes a good look in the mirror and some honest questions - is this helping me or the other party anymore? Is this great job, relationship, hobby, etc. what it should be? If not, is it worth my energy to repair it, or do I need a break or to move on?

Now, I've admitted I'm not good at this, but one thing I know is that every time I've lost a job or relationship that is stressing me out, I've felt like a huge weight is lifted. I'm upset, sure, but I feel like I'm breathing air rather than drowning in water. Maybe placing yourself on the "greener" side theoretically would help, maybe jumping headfirst in would help.

By doing the above, you can start to get real with yourself. What do you want out of life? What do you want to contribute? What do you hope to see, do, experience? I'm a NOT a planner as it limits me, personally, but a rough understanding of yourself is necessary to be open to opportunities or experiences that will change your life. Keep it real with yourself and your life.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY! That was my first drama lesson in high school. I remember going into the class being excited to learn something new, but it was a little out of my element. I had danced and am a vocal person, but I always portrayed myself, rather than others. Everyone in my class was SO much better than me at this stuff and I kind of wanted to sit back and watch. Learn, observe and then try. Well, Mr. Ramseur had other ideas. We were to each go on stage and say that phrase loudly. Ok – I am a LOUD person, but I was terrified to do this! It was just a couple of words in front of people I knew, but I kept thinking, what if I do it wrong, what if I’m not loud enough, I have this reputation of being vocal I want to uphold, I dance, I should be able to do this…..all of those thoughts swirling in my head. I got up on stage and did it. It wasn’t perfect, I was told to be louder and separate the words, but I did and strangely, that one drama lesson comes up in my mind over and over again throughout life.

I DO have something to say – lots to say. Now, I’m not trying to say I should vocalize every thought, but putting them together to say SOMETHING is necessary. Staying silent because you aren’t sure if it is perfect or if you will say it right isn’t ok. You have to try, fail, adjust to say your something. There isn’t a perfect time to say it – you sometimes just have to go with it. I think many of us have something to say and we don’t because of the above reasons and more.

What sparked me writing this entry is that I read someone’s Facebook status today that was so well put together and a sad social commentary on how she sees the world treating her and her family based upon their ethnicity and religion. It had to have been scary to put that out there. You never know who of your “friends” will disregard your words and thoughts and make it a big joke. You never know if you are inadvertently offending someone or if someone will think less of you based on what you put out there. I would hope that as friends that you both would care enough to understand the issue at hand and be EMPATHETIC of others’ situations, even if you disagree.

That’s my something to say. I think that we lack empathy as a whole. If something doesn’t affect you directly, you are less likely to empathize with those that do. And then do something to change their situation, no matter how small. Take the step back and really SEE people. So – I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY and today it’s a challenge to see the world in a different way and understand other perspectives. Empathize with plights and help celebrate successes. And have something to say. 

Ain’t No Follow Back Girl

I recently had to go through and reduce the number of handles that I follow on Twitter as I hit my 2,000 limit since I have less than 2,000 followers (barely). As I was going through and unfollowing those that don’t follow me back, I was REALLY upset to find that most of these were large brands that I really LOVE! These brands I have interacted with at least once, mostly positively. I felt like I didn’t matter to them – that my tweet that their product made my day or that I loved something that they did was falling on deaf ears. That may not be the case, but that is how I felt.

Now, I work for a large brand’s social media team and we do have some guidelines surrounding following fans, but there aren’t many. Most of the time, I’ve seen following happening when we want to engage via DM (direct message). We also utilize it with positive interactions to further our conversation and send little gifts. It would make my DAY if brands I loved or brands that helped me through a tough situation would follow me back. They might not read every tweet I send out, but it would make me feel as if they are listening and that I’m more than just a number on a chart to them. 

I got to thinking as to why this wasn’t a standard practice. Maybe there was some big reason I was missing for following people back. Would they get crazy DMs? Would following result in people thinking you agree with a specific user’s views? Or is it pure laziness – do we only react to tweets and not think about an ongoing relationship with a fan?

I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, but I think they are worth asking. What are the potential drawbacks to following fans and even employees? What are the potential benefits? Why do we not do this already? I’d love to hear any thoughts around it! My stance is this – engagement isn’t a one-time thing. We want to grow relationships as much as we can online between brands and fans. (Goes along with being genuine and authentic). But when I notice that none of my favorite brands follow me when I interact with them on the regular, it makes me feel like those interactions are fake, disingenuous and inauthentic. That is exactly NOT how I would want a fan of my brand to feel. So give the follow back to your fans – it goes a long way! 

My Story

I was asked to write a biography for a dance team that I recently auditioned for (and was unfortunately, not selected). I had no idea what to write! I felt like some things they wouldn't care to hear or it wouldn't come across as professional. It might not have, but after writing it and reading it, I was so PROUD. I didn't realize how far I had actually come, how many failures I've had to endure just to get to the few really amazing successes. I think we all have gone through these types of ups and downs, but putting it on paper made a huge difference. It also showed me just how many people have touched my life in so many positive ways!

Here is my dance story -

I have danced since the age of 3. I studied many forms throughout the years and being open to learning new styles and genres has afforded me many opportunities that I could never have predicted. I split my childhood between Maryland and Georgia. While in Maryland, I joined a company called Rhythm N Shoes and was on one of the first competitive pee-wee/mini groups in the state. We competed all over the Northeast. Due to the unique nature of my team, we were asked to audition to be a part of a Prudential Life Insurance Commercial. The producers and director picked 5 girls and I was chosen! That was one of my first experiences dancing as a job and I loved every minute of filming.

Moving to Georgia at age 8 was one of the biggest transitions I’ve ever undergone. Not only was it a completely different culture than in Maryland (and the fact that I had to make all new friends), the dance scene was very different. The big thing at the time there was clogging. I joined 2 studios in the area to get a feel for the differences – one competed and one did not. The studio that competed required that all dancers take clogging classes in addition to ballet, tap and jazz. I had never heard of such a thing, but was eager to try. Clogging became one of my most favorite forms of dance after that! I went on to compete nationally and take home many championships with my team. We also got very unique opportunities to perform all over the country and abroad. I was part of a group that did a mini-tour through the south and we performed at the Grand Old Opry, Sea World in Florida and on a Disney Cruise (the ship itself and at one of the islands in the Caribbean). You can still catch me doing it in the grocery store today!

 In addition to the competition scene, I still trained and the non-competitive studio. The owner was Royal Academy trained in ballet and she had a stellar staff that included a

former Atlanta Falcons Cheerleader. Once I got to high school, I tried out for my cheer team but did not make it and was really discouraged. I consulted with the former professional cheerleader to see how I could improve and she offered me a spot on the Junior Atlanta Falcons Cheerleading team. I was able to perform during pre-game and halftime shows at the Georgia Dome and got my first look into the world of professional cheer and dance for sports teams. I was hooked. Through that organization, I was able to audition for the NBA All Stargame dancers when the game came through Atlanta and was selected! I was assigned as a back-up dancer for the halftime performance with Mariah Carey - which is probably the most surreal experience I’ve ever had (I'm in the back right wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey). I knew that I wanted to do this long term. In addition to that, I participated in many ballet productions with this studio including The Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music and Scrooge the Musical. Fun fact – I nearly almost always played a boy in these productions because I loved to jump and turn.

After high school, I decided to attend UT Dallas on an academic scholarship for two reasons. The first was that the university was a great fit for me from an academic and student life standpoint - lots of research, clubs and organizations available. The other was that I wanted to experience the dance scene in Dallas, which was and is very different than in Atlanta. I did not make the dance team at UTD, which was one of the primary reasons I selected the school, so I tried out for cheerleading thinking that I probably would not make it, just like high school. However, to my surprise, I was selected and cheered all four years for the Comets. I also accidentally got a minor in dance in addition to my degree in Psychology. Accidentally, because I was not actively pursuing it – I just took so many classes and participated in the UTD Dance Ensemble that my advisor told me to declare it as I had the hours already. I also took my first modern/contemporary class at UTD, which led to many performances with other universities in the area as well as great companies like Battleworks. UTD also gave me the great experience of being in a sorority – Kappa Alpha Theta. I could write a novel on how that organization has shaped my life and helped me, but I won’t here. I can say that they lead me to never give up on my dreams, kept me dreaming big, introduced me to my favorite philanthropic cause that I still support today and helped me to evolve and grow in almost every aspect of my life. Thorough that organization, I was awarded academic, philanthropy and spirit awards. I also represented Theta as Ms. Greek at UTD. I still am an active alumnae for Theta and am a volunteer advisor for recruitment for my chapter – I want to give back some of what I have been given.

After my undergrad years, dance had to take a backseat to my graduate degree. While pursuing my masters, I did teach dance at a recreation center and was the sole dance person on staff. I taught ages 3-15 in ballet, tap, jazz, hip hop and cheer. That was my outlet amongst the difficulties of graduate school. I loved my studies and work within the field today (Industrial Organizational Psychology), but it really took all of my time and attention to be able to perform well and grasp the information. It wasn’t just about classes – I had to conduct research and present findings on national levels. My research, symposiums and posters, were accepted at UT Arlington’s ResearchFair, Industrial Organizational/Organizational Development conference and the Society of Industrial Organizational Psychologists conferences. I can talk all day about selection, statistics and human resources if you ask me! I love that my job helps people find the best fit for them for a job and for an organization. I don’t take any selection decisions lightly as it affects people’s lives and well beings. In addition to this background, I got heavily into social media and digital marketing through my first job as a research consultant. I love being able to help people more efficiently and impact them in positive ways. I still brought dance into the workplace by coordinating flash mobs and routines for conferences or events like Taco Bell’s 50^th anniversary. I love bringing that component of myself to my coworkers and associates – it makes people happy.

Once I became financially stable following graduate school, I decided to re-try my dream of dancing on a sports team in Dallas. I have to be honest – this city intimidated me. Everyone was so put-together, had amazing training and knew so much that I did not. In addition, I was coming into the game late at 25 years old when many of these talented women enter the game at 18. I had to catch up and fast. I had to learn the styles in Dallas and lose the weight I put on through school. I had to learn nutrition which is no easy task later in life. I lost a total of 26 pounds and made the Texas TornadoSiren Dancers in 2012 and loved every minute of being on that team. I had never really experienced hockey up close and now I follow it and am a huge fan! The following year, I danced with the Texas Revolution Dancers and loved that I got yet another experience with a different team and sport. Through those experiences, I’ve met so many people, made life-long friendships with girls on my teams or girls I met in classes and learned so many things that I don’t want to stop dancing, if I can help it.

 I’ll leave you with one of the best quotes that was shared with me, especially during times of failure as I’ve had my share of them – Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined – Thoreau. While I love that quote, I want to the live the life I cannot imagine – sometimes you just can’t imagine the best and most beautiful experiences in life! 

Go, FIGHT, Win! Who doesn't miss college?

Who doesn’t miss their college years? I sure do – and not for reasons that you might think. I really loved going to different classes and learning about so many different subjects. I feel like I was almost rushed through it to obtain a degree and go out into the job market. While travelling abroad, I wished that I had taken more classes on foreign language, art – practical and historical, world history and world events. I wished I had the time to catch onto subjects that weren’t my forte (looking at you, chemistry).  Those classes didn’t really figure into my degree, so they were left by the wayside. I miss the continuous growth and development and hard measures to ensure that you ARE growing. I miss the accessibility of experts when you had questions or needed help getting something (Google isn’t always the answer, but it’s a good place to start!).

I miss the flexibility that college afforded. I could work 4 jobs in completely different areas (part time, of course) but still cheer for my university, be in academic clubs and be an active member of my sorority. Nowadays, it’s tough to do anything outside of work because of the standard “you have to be in office to prove you are working” mindset.

I miss the friendships and accessibility to them. I was actually talking to a friend who lives in a different city about this the other day. It is pretty sad when you have friends that talk to you all day, but can’t get lunch with them. I’m so glad to have social media – otherwise keeping up with people is really close to impossible. People move, start families and are at different points in their lives. I want to keep in touch with my friends who are moms just as much as my friends who live in Europe and just as much as people who are in the same place in life I am. It’s easier to gravitate towards those who are in similar spots – my mom friends really don’t want to come to a happy hour at 6pm because their kids need their attention. Conversely, I don’t want to hang out at a kid-friendly place with no kids (sorry, makes me feel awkward. But college afforded an arena where everyone was on the same page, even if they weren’t going through that era in the same way. I loved being able to have instant lunch or pool friends because they happened to be on campus. I loved working with my peers if they didn’t have time to hang out. I even visited friends when they were working, or went to intramural or university games in which they were playing or participating. There was always someone to see.

I miss the clubs and groups. I loved being on a cheer team, doing master dance classes for free with my ensemble and talking about neuroscience, even though that ended up not being my major – as an adult there are few options for hobbies anymore. For example, I’ve been looking to take an art class for adults and have come up rather empty. I miss my sorority. I miss having a weekly meeting where we conducted ritual to remind us that we are aspiring to be better than we are. That we had to think about others, including current, past and future members and how we can help each other be successful – whatever the definition of success for that individual might be. I miss the lessons on how to work with friends and how to work with people who you would definitely not call a friend, but you would call them your sister. I miss the activities that would build us as a group, but also as an individual. What sparked these thoughts was the picture here. We wrote our name on a kite at sisterhood retreat and each member wrote a message on there. Reading them made me tear up with happiness – the messages ranged from saying I’m a great dancer to that I’m a strong and fearless woman. Even though that happened about 10 years ago, I still needed to hear it. It felt like it did when I first read them.

I feel like each component of college offered so many lessons, relationships and so much knowledge that really gets squashed afterwards. I FIGHT to have multiple interests and I FIGHT for my dreams to stay alive. I FIGHT for my relationships and I FIGHT to be sure that they don’t fizzle away. I also wonder why it has become this way. Why do we let this happen as post-graduates or even adults? You don’t have to go to college to have these same types of feelings – who hasn’t had to give up on a dream due to time and finances? Who hasn’t let people who you once spent every moment with drift away? I don’t think that’s healthy or right. I think that there are ways that we can continue that growth and continue those connections. You need to hear those positive messages from your friends and they need to hear them from you. The world might not be set up for all of that, but I’ll be sure to FIGHT for it. 

Eavesdropping on Recruiting

Listening to my recruiters call potential candidates, do phone screens and set up interviews has really become a ritual. I sit in a cube near them and while I’m posting to social media, researching vendors, wrangling vendors (LOL), investigating hard-to-fill areas and looking for ways to help them in general, I hear “Good afternoon, may I speak with..” “Hey, I’m just giving you a call back to check on your status of paperwork..” “Ok, I can walk you through this process, it will take about 10 minutes…” ”Do you have time between 2-4pm for an interview…” “ While on the interview be sure to be professionally dressed and really talk about your experience and excitement for the position..” and the list goes on and on.

What occurred to me the other day is that these people, MY recruiters are truly helping others. While it might seem like an automated machine of filling requisitions and jobs, they WANT these people to get jobs. I hear them talk about their candidates and how they get frustrated when the hiring manager doesn’t give them the time of day when they are a good candidate. Or when the candidates act like they are telemarketers – they really are trying to get this person a job and squared away to be hired! I also hear them coach them after the hiring manager decides not to hire them. They ask about the interview, ask what was said and provide feedback based upon the hiring manager. I would have LOVED to get that early on in my career or even now! Interviews often feel weird when you are denied a position – how can I improve? I’m hearing them do this for their candidates, whether they are part time or salaried.

Sometimes recruiting gets a bad rap. Recruiters are like salespeople in a lot of ways – they are selling the job and organization to a candidate. They are looking to assess fit on the front line and are looking for people that WANT to work; who would be a good addition to the team. I hear candidates and hiring managers tell these people that they do not have the best interests of others at heart – that they just want to reach numbers. That isn’t what I’m seeing. I’m seeing people trying to do right by others. I hear it every day. And I’m proud to hear it! 

Through the Eyes of Someone Else

I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts on the current state of race relations within the United States for quite some time now. It isn’t an easy thing to do, as you have opinions thrown from people, the media, “experts,” your friends and family, etc. and you SHOULD sift through that information to get to a conclusion. I think people that try to simplify that issue are tending to ignore how many things it actually touches. We – as humans, do have the tendency to categorize things to lighten our cognitive load and a lot of that categorization is based on sight as it takes the least amount of energy (unless there is a physical disability). While we can say all we want that “I don’t see color,” you do – even if you are colorblind you see changes in shade, darkness and hue. You see it. You live your lift based on it. Admitting that is the first step.

I am not coming from a self-righteous place. I used to be the one saying, wow these people use their race to get what they want, I’m not racist, I have black friends and LOVE their culture (especially their dancing) and if they would just act right around cops or authority, they wouldn’t have an issue. Those are all fine and not inherently hurtful or malicious, but they are part of the problem. All of these are not taking the step back and realizing that the world that YOU or I see as a white individual is NOT the world that someone who is perceived or IS a non-white individual sees. Getting to that place took a very long time for me. I mean, I’ve had struggles and I just didn’t understand why that group would harp on things (at least that’s what I always thought). So I’ll give you a glimpse into the journey of understanding that I’ve gone on. It will never be complete, but I think it’s important to note that it takes hard WORK and a hard look at yourself and things that make you feel secure.

The first foray I had into this was in high school. I was a PROUD member of the step team and I was a cheerleader. I was the only white girl on the step team and loved it. That group taught me all kinds of really cool things and were very accepting of the notion of me wanting to be a part of their group, even though I was different. They let me help with dance choreography, since I did it for the cheerleaders and it made me feel like I was contributing too! Then we were all called into the office because of “vulgar dance moves” and they were calling for the immediate disbandment of the group. The sponsoring teacher was even pressured into not sponsoring it. I spoke up – I said I did the choreography and the move that they were referring to was actually in the cheerleaders’ choreography as well. I went on to say further that in this instance in the past with the cheerleading team, if something was deemed offensive, it was communicated and we would rectify it before the next performance. Why was this group automatically disbanded? They let it go and we were able to continue, but the significance of that double standard hit me much later in life. I still didn’t get that my step team EXPECTED to be treated differently until years later.

The second time I saw a difference in how the world treats non-white individuals was when I had a coworker offer me a ride home from my first job after grad school. My car wasn’t working and he generously offered to drive out of his way so I didn’t have to wait on a friend. He was a black man. On our way through an upper middle class area (I don’t even think it was a predominately white area, but I could be wrong), we were pulled over. Now, I am a NOTORIOUS speeder and have been pulled over 19 times. I am used to traffic stops, but what happened next was shocking to me. As soon as we pulled into a lot (to not block traffic) the cop rushes towards the car with his flashlight up yelling “HANDS ON THE WHEEL.” Mind you, my friends hands were already there. No cop had ever said that to me. Every time I was pulled over, I was always digging for my license and insurance card. Once he got up to the window, he looked at me and asked if I was ok, which completely caught me off guard and I answered yes. Then he turns back to my friend and asked if he knew what he did wrong. We BOTH answered no (he wasn’t speeding or violating traffic laws that I knew of). The whole time I felt like we had done something really wrong and the cop was really aggressive. Come to find out, the headlight was out. Once we both reacted with surprise and both thanked him, he let us go. Now – let’s be clear. This wasn’t about the outcome, this was about the IMMEDIATE suspicion of wrongdoing and aggressive actions taken. I’ve never experienced that, even when I back talk police, much like the girl in McKinney, TX at that pool party. If I get pulled over for no reason or asked to do a sobriety test when walking from a TGI Fridays to my car, I definitely ask for the cause in a not so nice way. I’ve never had negative consequences because of it.

Right or wrong, I never experience aggression on that level in my many conversations with cops. It could have been because I got all nice cops, but it could also be that I’m not categorized as a threat as a white woman. While these categorizations can be helpful, being cognizant of how they can be harmful is just as important. We’ve seen so many examples of people who seemed like they weren’t a threat (John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos) that actually were and we’ve seen people who looked like a threat that were not (Eric Garner, Dajerria Becton, Milton Hall). I’m not blaming cops specifically, but since they are the ones enforcing the law (and I thank them for that and their service), they tend to be the ones highlighted. It isn’t JUST cops that do this. I categorize too. I notice if I’m walking alone in a parking garage and I see a man that I immediately get my keys ready as a possible self-defense weapon and walk faster. I don’t do that when a woman is around. While that is categorization, it doesn’t mean it’s right. I have to look for signs of a threat rather than using the shortcut of my sight.

I provided two examples of when I really started to see that people are systematically treated differently based upon how they are categorized. I’ve experienced it as well, being a woman and all. Growing up, I refused to think that I couldn’t do things because I was a girl. I never felt like I was less than men – I killed at math and played sports and was strong. The overt treatment is few and far between, it’s the subtleties that speak the volumes. I’m categorized as not knowing anything mechanical or technical and that I want to get married and have a family. that I can sew. While one of out of those three examples is true, that’s what is attributed to me by mere sight.

Once I started to understand how I was categorized, I started to REALLY LOOK at how others were categorized. How they were treated straight off the bat from most people. How it differed between groups (i.e. a woman categorizing a woman vs. a man categorizing a woman vs. a woman categorizing a man and same goes for races, perceived sexual orientation and religion as sight only provides a perception of those two). How it was more positive for some groups and more negative for others.

I also started to really listen to my friends in other groups. They are MY FRIENDS! Why would I discount their views without giving them adequate listening time, thought time and question time? Many of my friends who have been saying this for years I never even ASKED. That isn’t being a friend. And many of them were so happy I finally did. It took a lot of courage on my part and a lot of patience on theirs, but seriously, if you can’t ask your friends about their views and accept them, even if you inherently disagree, you aren’t being a good friend. I also didn’t just hide or unfriend them on social media because I disagreed with their views. Evolving as a person and seeking out differing views is what makes you a better person – it helps you grow. I also did a lot of reading. I read anything I could on the subject from both sides of the fence.

But what occurred to me the most is that we aren’t necessarily on opposite sides. No one likes to be categorized negatively based upon how they look. We have all of these stories and adages of how people look one way and prove to be something else. “Never judge a book by its cover.” I think a step in the right direction is to accept people’s experiences as their reality even if it is not yours. And have the compassion to try and make it better by “walking a mile in their shoes” even if it is figuratively. Think through events and how you would be treated if you were categorized differently. How would that mechanic treat you if you were a black woman? What about the bouncer if you were a white male? How about a waitress if you were an Asian woman? Or a fellow airplane passenger if you were an Arab male? THAT is the first step to opening your eyes and that is the action you can take. We all say we want peace, understanding and less violence and frustration. Take the step to get there rather than just saying it. See the world through the eyes of someone else. 

Have Courage and Be Kind

I was thinking about life, karma, fairness and hard times. It’s been an ongoing thought to ponder for me over the past few years – as times haven’t been perfect, but hey – they never are. I always to try to think about my blessings and what is going well. Even though outward appearances can appear otherwise, everyone has problems and struggles – they might be different in gravity, but they are there. I recently saw Cinderella and it tied into my thoughts as of late.

One of the biggest things we HOPE in life is that if you do good, you’ll have good things happen to you and if you do bad, then there will be consequences. Life has taught me that this is true, but that sometimes it’s blurred as to what good and bad outcomes look like for each person. It might seem like they do horrible things and get good outcomes, but that might not be the case – and it might be. One of the things that I have come to find is that sometimes you do great things and you still have bad things happen. It could be bad from relationships, family, financial, work, etc. standpoints, but nothing is ever perfect. The bad tends to come in waves towards me. When things go south, it tends to be multiple things that go badly – I have to pay some insane amount of money for some mistake I could have avoided or I have to be the glue for my family or I lose a source of income. (Yes this has all happened in 2 months to me). I keep trying to do good, help others and be kind, but it gets tough. How can you keep persevering and helping others when you need help yourself?

After seeing Cinderella, I loved one of the many messages that it had (this was probably the most

overt message of the bunch). Things go bad for no reason. Sometimes you really don’t have control in it. People can be mean and cruel and it just quite frankly, sucks. Cynical outlook, huh?! Not really, it’s just the truth. HOWEVER you DO have a tiny bit of control. You have control over yourself and not losing yourself based on bad situations. You can CHOOSE to be kind. You can CHOOSE to forgive. It isn’t easy, and takes an HUGE amount inner strength (which I think Cinderella possesses ). Being able to choose to react to situations in this way takes a ton of courage. You can have the courage to choose to not let a situation define you. You can definitely learn from the bad times, but don’t let it impact your overall persona. Have the courage TO be kind, no matter the situation.

Offering Forgiveness

One of my New Year’s Resolutions this year was to offer and accept forgiveness better. That is one of those resolutions that is really hard to measure progress on – there isn’t a picture I can take of before and after or say yes, I have done this TODAY, so it’s over. It’s a process and sometimes it can be difficult to identify ways to accomplish this specific goal. In light of my current situation, I feel that I’ve offered forgiveness and empathized with others’ rather than focus on myself when it would be so easy to. I’m proud of the way I responded, and I hope that I do this every time that I have the control to forgive and make a situation better.

I was recently laid off from my primary job. Any time I share that with people, I get the obligatory “I’m sorry,” and most people ARE genuinely concerned. This always surprises me, but that is a story for another day. The circumstances surrounding that decision aren’t really fair, but nothing ever is. I feel like I’ve been forced to abandon my team and clients in a time when they need me most. My team’s hands are tied and most were quite shocked and upset for me and this situation. My management team has shown that they care for me and my situation. I could tell they were scared that I would blame them – it really wasn’t in their hands. It would have been so easy for me to allocate blame and lash out at the people who cared for me the most, the people I see daily and who I look to for leadership. It would be easy to be angry and closed off and make them feel even worse about the situation. Even though it would have been easy, it would not have been right.

These people, some of which I’ve worked with for nearly a decade, cared for me inside and outside of work. They WANT me to be on their team; they see my strengths and help with my weaknesses. They are my friends and I know that they don’t “have it out” for me. Sometimes business is just business and it, quite frankly, sucks sometimes. You can’t throw away relationships just because of one bad event – even if that event is really affecting you adversely.

I made the effort to reach out to my team and tell them, I know it isn’t your fault entirely. I forgive you for anything that happened that you think is your fault. I know you have my best interests at heart and are still my friend –regardless of the situation at hand. I did all of this while thinking of my resolution and thinking of why I wrote it.

I wrote it because sometimes situations aren’t worth burning long forged friendships even if it seems like that is the case. Maybe taking a step back for a while or realizing that these people really aren’t trying to hurt you will help (not in all cases, but in many). By just offering that one step towards forgiveness, the relationships strengthen tremendously. I’ve had people forgive me when I’ve hurt them intentionally or unintentionally when I feel like I didn’t deserve it, but I am eternally grateful that they let me have a second chance. You screw up, you’re human – admit it, move on and keep trying to be better. This is one step that I hope to keep making and I hope to have more examples to share throughout the year! 

Something Beautiful

Something beautiful happened to me a couple of weeks ago and I felt the need to share it with all of you. If you didn’t know me growing up (and even if you did), I’m going to outline some of things I had to deal with while I was younger. From the time I was a kindergartner, I was bullied by someone. Let's clarify that I was not a perfect angel growing up, but I experienced a lot of people being not so nice to me for no reason at all. My first bully was named Amanda – she was in the 6^th grade and used to love making me cry (as a 5 year old). I rode on a bus to school and it got so contentious, that my mom got on the bus and told her to leave me be. She often would make me sit without my friends and talk about how stupid I was.

The next bully I had was pretty consistent, from the time I first encountered her in the 4^th grade all the way through high school – though once I hit 9^th grade, it didn’t bug me as much and since we weren’t really EVER in the same classes, she had less of an opportunity (but she was sure to try as hard as she could). She turned many a girl and guy against me in middle school, to the point that my mom had to be at the school all the time BEGGING for people to keep her away from me or to do something. It turned me angry and acidic towards others and definitely broke my trustfulness nature in others. I became guarded. I also thought that my friends and others were deliberately trying to hurt me anytime I felt hurt, which wasn’t the case. I acted out in school as I was so frustrated with the situation and the injustice of it all. Many of my teachers in middle school either didn’t do anything about this situation or made me the problem because this girl’s mom was well known and respected in the community. It was tough for me until high school. My mom kept me involved in things outside of school so that my friend base wasn’t just in school and I had something to look forward to every day. I think that made me grow less guarded, more trusting and made me more of the positive person I am and see myself as today. By the way, this girl was deliberately mean to me at our 10 year high school reunion, so not much has changed.

With that background in mind, one of the girls that had not been so nice to me in school (not one of the aforementioned bullies) added me on Facebook. My first thought was NO WAY. She’s trying to stalk my profile and pick apart my life, just like she did when we were 13. My second thought was, maybe she is just trying to make a friend. With some trepidation, I accepted her request. Nothing happened for a long time after I added her. It seemed like she was happy, had a nice family and that things were going mostly well for her. Recently, she started posting about how her son was being bullied in middle school. While I don’t wish that on ANY child, I got rather angry. Why, would this person not see that they had caused me harm in vivid memories and then go on and on about how they can’t get any help from the school? My mom had to FIGHT tooth and nail for any justice or help for me without the aid of social media BECAUSE of things this girl did to me or participated in to make me feel badly. In my frustration, I posted a Facebook status echoing these thoughts. What happened on that status warms my heart to this day. That post got 42 comments, some outlining past issues, some talking about that maybe this person didn’t see the parallels in their own behaviors and the entire thread was about people sharing past experiences and trying to move on from them. Then I got a private message from the girl herself asking if was referring to her at all.

I was, to a degree. It wasn’t directed solely at her, many other people who had not been very nice to me were posting those things, but she was in that group of individuals. She apologized and we got to talking and I thought that it was the end of it. THEN she did an even more amazing thing – she posted a comment on my status saying that she was guilty of being nasty to me and that she was sorry (purple in the picture). She also posted a status about me – all positive things. 

Now, when I posted that frustrated status, I NEVER thought this would happen. I also NEVER thought that we would become long-distance friends when I added her as a friend on Facebook. BUT I’m SO GLAD that that is what happened! It’s hard to move on from those transgressions that you had in school that really changed and affected you, however small they might seem. People do grow up and change (not all the time, but a lot of the time). I’ve made it a philosophy in my life to try and offer forgiveness as often as I can (again, not all the time, as I’m not a saint). This instance was an example of a beautiful person doing a beautiful thing. What’s your something beautiful this month? I’d challenge you to display the level of humility, kindness and thoughtfulness MY FRIEND did to right a very old wrong that really meant more to me than she probably ever will realize. It also impacted my overall attitude and the way I've been approaching frustrating situations for the past several weeks. It was a beautiful thing and I was glad to be a part of it! 

What's your Challenge?

So I know most of my blog posts tend to be about personal discovery, how to deal with issues and things I learn the along the way. This one is a bit different, but still has the same theme. As many of you know, I’ve been on a journey to embrace a healthier lifestyle. I was brought up as the fast food queen and didn’t have to work at being thin. I did do a lot of physical activity, but it just was for fun (i.e. dance, basketball, track, cheerleading, etc.)  I never saw it as work or helping my body.

Once I got to grad school, I started to feel and see the effects of my not-so-great choices. I was never and have never really struggled with weight (I wasn’t happy with it, but it wasn’t a true struggle), but I did struggle with fatigue, strength and not being able to do physical things. I struggled to walk up stairs, struggled to breathe in dance classes, struggled to be able to balance working a waitressing job, an internship and grad school from a purely physical standpoint. I had trouble getting out of bed and had trouble not wanting several naps throughout the day.

While a goal of being a professional dancer/cheerleader fueled the fire, I decided to make the change to get in shape and be healthier. I can tell you, it was TOUGH to navigate what exercises to do and when, what things were good to eat and how often and when to eat them. I learned that while there are overall trends, you really have to do what is good for your body. You’ll FEEL it. Sometimes that means indulging in some high calorie foods. Sometimes that means taking a break and sleeping in. Those aren’t necessarily sound like they are a part of the lifestyle I’m trying to achieve and maintain, but they definitely are.

The ONE big thing I’ve discovered about myself is that, like in school or work, I like to work on deadlines. I like to procrastinate. I get a rush in getting things done efficiently and meeting a hard deadline. That translates into my workout schedule. If I don’t set small goals for myself (work out 3-4 days a week, for example), I won’t do it. I’ll make excuses for myself or just generally say I’m too tired or don’t have time, neither of which are the case MOST of the time.

One big change that I’ve made and am continuing to work on to help me stay on track is to NEVER miss a Monday workout. It doesn’t matter if I do it before work, during lunch or after work. It doesn’t matter what the workout consists of – sometimes it is weightlifting, sometimes the elliptical, sometimes a quick ab workout and sometimes a dance class. BUT I never miss it. It starts my wee

k off on a positive note. I feel like I’ve accomplished something after a hard Monday, being able to say, I sucked it up and did what I had to do. That sets the tone for the entire week. I’m more likely to work out more throughout the week and stay motivated. It also keeps me from feeling as tired or worn out.

While I think you need to do what is right for you, I would say try out as many little things to stay motivated! It’s hard to do so, especially this time of year, where there are fun holidays, food and cold weather. I like to curl up, read a book and drink yummy drinks, but just making small changes and doing small things can help to keep me on track through the season. I have read that the average American puts on 8 pounds throughout the holiday season, and I definitely see the truth in that for myself. By ensuring I keep up with my workouts and only indulge once or twice a week in comfort good, I don’t have an uphill battle come January! Don’t create that for yourself! My biggest challenge is to not skip a Monday workout throughout this season. Make one for yourself and stick to it! 

Picking Yourself Up

I’ve been super bad about blogging lately, but I’ve made a promise to myself to not blog while angry EVER and I’ve been mighty angry as of late. There are a lot of things that haven’t been going so well, work related stressors, family issues, etc. and that contributes to being generally in a foul mood. While people might not see that externally, my internal mood tends to spill out when I’m writing. I made the promise to myself to not spew my negativity on the internet, so I apologize for my self-imposed hiatus.

BUT! I’m back and I want to use one of my latest experiences as a discussion starter or even just a thought starter J I recently went through a huge betrayal-type situation. I had a close friend who I very much valued her opinion and friendship basically try to hurt me, humiliate me, take away an opportunity that I LOVED to have and then justify it by lying about me to mutual friends and complete strangers. I didn’t really think this could happen after middle school, but alas, it does. It isn’t an easy thing to get through. Not only did I have to mourn the loss of opportunity and friendship, I had NO idea what triggered such a negative reaction. I also lost many friends in the crossfire as they didn’t know who or what to believe. That definitely affected me. It wasn’t fun or easy to work through. BELIEVE me; it took a ton of time to work through it.

I was angry, sad and mortified. My trust was completely broken and I started to question my own judgment. I wracked my brain to understand what I did to deserve such a transgression. And then I had it! I didn’t do anything. I wasn’t wrong. I didn’t deserve it. I had something horrible happen to me at the hand of someone I trusted and cared about and I have to live with it, but I wasn’t the issue. Oftentimes, people (me included) think they do good things to get good outcomes and bad things to get bad outcomes. When something horrible out of the blue happens, I tend to blame myself and try and find reason as to why that happened. Sometimes, people are just terrible – it isn’t my or your fault. Now, I’m not saying to NEVER accept blame for a bad outcome, but sometimes, it really isn’t YOU. It’s THEM.

After the fact, I tried to find the silver linings. I was able to devote more time to my boyfriend, friendships, work, etc. I was able to come to terms with my entire lifestyle change to be healthy and fit and that I was, in fact, doing that for me! I wasn’t doing it to appease said friend or anyone else. I was able to THINK. I had been running myself ragged with these people, FOR these people, who clearly didn’t care for me. It’s nice to be able to devote my time, effort and energy to things that matter and to people that cared.

After coming to that realization, I realized that I needed a re-charge, reset, refresh. I needed to come up with new goals to get that opportunity back that was taken from me. I needed to think outside the box. I needed to come up with a plan to reach those goals and stick with it. FOR ME. No one else. Picking yourself up after something horrible isn’t easy. And my life hasn’t gotten any less difficult; I still have the issues above – BUT being able to work through them, come up with positive ways to cope and positive ways to move forward has been my saving grace. I also can say that I didn’t do it alone. By reaching out when I knew I needed some help and having people reach out to me to give support, I was able to work through things much more quickly. I’ll be honest – I felt very alone, but having people just say, “hey, what happened to you sucked and I hope you are doing ok” really made the difference for me! Having a support system really helps and I’m glad to have built lasting relationships with people who are there to help pick me up. Yes, I picked myself up, but I had help to continue standing. 

I'm Tired

I’m tired

I’m tired of work, “fun”, friends and life

I’m tired of not sleeping, of sleeping, of fast food and of cooking

I’m tired of bills, bank accounts, loans and STUDENT loans

I’m tired of being a good worker and it not mattering due to other factors such as dress, perceived work ethic and the fact that I’m a girl with boobs

I’m tired of being around fake people, where I am just a means to an end to them

I’m tired of men wanting to sleep with me and only seeing me as an object

I’m tired of not being treated as if I’m a person

I’m tired of being put into small cute packages of categorization to make it easier to identify me

I’m tired of being judged for ridiculous things

I’m tired of being judged for non-ridiculous things

I’m tired of having to live for other people

I’m tired of figuring out others’ perceptions of me

I’m tired of being told I’m the problem when I’m clearly not

I’m tired of people blaming social norms for bad behavior

I’m tired of people being mean

I’m tired of people being rude

I’m tired of malicious intent

I’m tired of being underpaid and undervalued

I’m tired of slaving at two jobs because I can’t get a competitive wage at my main one

I’m tired of having to explain WHY I deserve fair pay

I’m tired of men in my same job benefitting from my battles

I’m tired of laziness

I’m tired of doing others’ jobs for them

I’m tired at the lack of resourcefulness that people have

I’m tired of getting in trouble for caring too much

I’m tired of being told I care too much

I’m tired of caring

I’m just tired.

Monday Blues

Isn’t it the worst to hear that one of your favorite coworkers is leaving an organization? Regardless of the reasons, it’s always like you’re losing a friend (even though you aren’t).  You see these people every day, you work to solve problems, implement solutions and see each other in triumph and defeat. You understand the office, organization, other coworkers, etc. It’s easy to talk about work, but it’s easier to see where each other is coming from since you are in the same pressure-cooker environment day in and day out. Imagine this happening to you over and over again in a short period of time. Doesn’t create a good environment, does it? 

Yes, there is a line or a difference between personal and professional relationships, but working together creates a bond. Even if you LOATHE the person and are happy to see them leave (I mean, I don’t get along with everyone!), there is a bond created. When someone you don’t loathe leaves, there is a missing piece feeling. Oh, she would have been GREAT on this project! This client would have LOVED her! He could have helped you with that….

Each departure is different and almost always, they are going on to bigger and brighter things, but it still makes me feel blue. Yeah its work and I can suck it up and keep doing what I’m doing, but to discount the bonds created and relationships isn’t right. Creating connections is what we do. Changing those connections can be difficult, but maintaining them is essential. You might not be in charge of the departures, your organizational culture and environment, but you ARE in charge of how you choose to maintain and cultivate relationships. And that’s something that I think is important. You make time for people who matter, who you relate to and who you care about.